A very dear friend told me once..

.. that I should post my writing, publish it, start a blog.. whatever it was, here is the start of that project. This is very personal for me and encompasses a very real and painful era of my many lives. I hope you enjoy reading it as much I did feeling it.


Whisperings of how you make me alive again
pain is but a distant memory
I think about you over my shoulder
beneath my lips
into perpetuity
existentially
fine lines and symphony
always wanting less and more
seduction
grace
soundless words and treasures
tasteless kisses, my first, my last, the only
a raging sea
an invisible touch
a flaunting awe
fables become true
a heart for an abyss
nakedness of existence
dream display of awareness
so many uncertainties
so many questions
so few answers
my mind and heart are gone
one thought
one feeling
rumbling
tumbling
over the next
my life hangs in the balance
here I am walking the wire
balancing
waiting
patiently
for you to let me in
my heart reaching out to you
my mind screams, "FOOL, no”
and there you stand
the war rages within me
the battle is won
my heart has the victory
but my mind screams

Actually I am very disturbed today. You have me reeling, maybe it is you who are too much for me? I do not fair well knowing you are in the world and I cannot have you. This I know as well as you do. I am sorry, I need my master to stand me up straight again. I am hoping I am ballast in your wake, you're the drum I seek to be dumb against. You terrify me. I am sorry for hurting you yesterday, I actually felt physical pain when I got off the phone with you, I knew you were not sitting well. I knew it was you when the phone rang today. I had it in my hand waiting for the call? I felt you. If it means anything, I.. no, not going to say it. I feel sick. Asunder.

I just know I cannot feel anything for anyone, knowing you exist. I just had this thought, if I were to close my eyes, draw my soul, I would open my eyes to see you looking back at me. I hurt. I want to care for you, I want to wipe your tears away, I want to stroke you as you sleep, I want to paint your likeness over and over again, so that I may speak to you when you are away from me. I want to give you all I have and send you away constantly, so you come back stronger, I want to write you letters and tell you how wonderful it is you are gone, do not come back soon, I am fine without you because you are always here, I want to release you to freedoms you have not yet known, so that you cannot wait to return to me, forget the world exists but in my arms. I want to lay in my garden and dream of you. You see, my beautiful friend, that's why we can do this and grab a sense of familiarity. It's also why you can make me gasp, choke and burst into a dream of endless tears and understanding in the same sentence.

Make sure and let me know if you find my exact replicate so I can go out and shoot myself. Why seek something's replicate? Actually I really do think anythings 'worth' has to be in its uniqueness, its ability to bring otherwise irreconcilable worlds together. For example: you seem to me to be an example of the finest the human species has to offer, in my eyes and mind anyway. There are none that compare to your hands, your nails, your eyes, those eyelashes, your cheekbones, I adore your nose. I have seen them all, in dreams, but there they are in person. I knew them before I ever laid eyes on you. There is not another you. I feel sicker now, I sound so stupid!!!!! But still, I will go on a journey to find your exact replicate. Hmmm. And fear not my delicate flower, as when I find you, I will bathe you gently and soothe your woes. I'll have you without upset to your life, we will drink up together every night, fight over the only copy of The Iliad that remains intact in our home, save all the pages folded, and the passages memorised, and we will argue incessantly because deep down you know my island is better than yours.Thats all. Forget it, I am flat and miserable right now. I'd previously mention eternal life, astral travel, and my obsession enochian magic, and the poor confusingly frightened soul I was talking at would then threaten me with a heated cross and some garlic! I used to think - what's a girl gotta do these days in order to be her innocuous self? Lord have Mercy! what's it take to make a potent existential connection? Hello? Hello? is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me. Is there anyone at home? ... "We're sorry, the number you have dialed is no longer in service!!!". Yea fucking yea, what else is new?? Whinge, whinge, fucking whinge. Then I met you and am thrilled to discover I'm no longer talking to myself... or am I? Fuck it. Just fuck it. Slayed.