I have never been here before
You never existed so I have never had to fathom
When, where, with whom
I don’t know
How did I get here
Where is this place is
I just don’t know
Is it in this world
In the past
Or in the present day?
Or maybe this hasn’t happened yet
Is this place made of water or fire or wind
Can you touch it smell or see it?
By myself, with my soulmate?
Who the hell are you
Why do you hurt me so much
Your words cut right through
Deep and hard wounds
Reasons blazing around me
I have none
Am I the messenger?
with miracles in my bag
Why is this happening to me, you, us
Praying not for love
Massively uneasy
I look to the sky and there you are
I open a book, there you are again
I am fucking haunted by you
I am not the nymph
The destroyer
The fickle
The wild
The untameable
There is nothing there for me anymore
Not even you my love
More despondent by the minute
I shall never enjoy anothers company
Knowing you exist
How little you know of me my Lord that you would imagine I could merely toss you aside for something shinier? Another treasure for my bower? What this is, is a sweaty kimono of sexual angst dragged out of the hamper, seemingly though to the owner it has nothing to do with erotic mastery, yes of course she wants him that way, little does he know how she wants to love him, weave herself within him, realise the union of all universal energy, she wants to lay with him, feel him, make him feel adored the way he should have always been, but to her Basileus it is a jagged knife with his life clinging to its rusted edges. She is irksome to his demeanor as she is reviving in him those old sensations. Have you listened to what I have been telling you? Do you believe I should say these things to mere strangers? You are unreal to me! I am awestruck???!!! Yes I love, love, but this love I speak of is not your common garden variety "ooh isn't that pretty", no, this love doth come from within. I will tell you, without hesitation, I am head over arse, face smacked straight into the wall desperately in love with your mind. I say these things as I have never, and I mean EVER met someone who makes me feel like you do. I am useless now to the rest of the male species. If I sigh one more time, I fear I may expire. Do I seem a contradiction - to you - obviously yes! I prefer to sit in my garden and tend to my flowers, I prefer to watch documentaries on ancient lands, I prefer to write, I paint, I agonise and ponder the proverbial forest for the trees, I have no one to talk to. I have no interest in power or control. I do have personal self control, I don't succumb to power plays, mass debauchery or the like. I do love decadence with a passion, but that is my form of decadence, like tonight, I sit and watch Elizabeth Taylor's 'Cleopatra', my siamese familiar sits by me and I write to you, in the hope you understand me. It's really quite perfect, you have inspired me this last month more than any other human has ever done. I only hope to inspire others to become better people, everyone has the potential. Everyday we're confronted by a gap, often painfully wide, between the life we live now and a life of deep enchantment. We cannot give what we do not have. We cannot bring peace to the world if we ourselves are not peaceful. We cannot bring love to the world if we ourselves are not loving. Our true gift to ourselves and other lies not in what we have but in who we are. I am sure of who I am and what I have to bring to the proverbial table. Again I say fuck it. Am I the harlot? How do I know you don't laugh everytime you receive one of my outpourings, my sonnets? That I am not a game to quell boredom? Yet I am the one who will cause his demise, I am no good as I lay in bed counting the notches on the bed post, but the bedpost is not hers, she doesn't rack up lists of battles won, I'll give this poor old man a heart attack, number 666, they actually got that one wrong, another example of lost in translation. It's actually 616, but then that only brings you forward 50 places? Or so you say? Do you say these things to me to extract a reaction?
Tell me now, that you want me to leave you alone, that this means nothing and I will walk away and never look back. You ask what the fuck are you supposed to do? I have no fucking idea? I don't know what to do either. I do know I don't want to say goodbye, and if I can only have you this way then I will make do with my lot. I will do it for you. You transport me to a place inside that was until recently impervious to gales or breezes. Now there is a dreadful storm. Oh good lord!!!!!!!!!! Why god why did I have to meet you. Why did you do this to me, this last email from you broke my heart. I would never leave you, I believe you would get sick of my worshipping you.
Yours, on her bruised knees and heart..
5 days ago